One thing I’ve always known but have tried my best to change about myself is that I’m not much of a snuggler. I do, however, love me a great big bear hug and I am indeed partial to enthusiastic bursts of affection towards friends and loved ones (and the occasional invasion of their personal space). I’m also quite fond of a nice fumb-I mean, cuddle on the couch. By all means hunny, please wrap me in your great big guns (or average size guns, depending on the fella)and let me nestle into that safe spot under your arm where I belong. But I am absolutely NOT the kind of gal that needs constant coddling. In fact, I find it a total turn-off.
Gentlemen please, please don’t hug me like you hug your Mom. Maybe it’s because I’m a comforting person. Maybe it’s because I give the impression that I genuinely care about the problems of others (which I do!). Or maybe it’s just my big giant boobs and my oh so squishy physique. But boys, I’m not your Mom and I don’t want you laying your noggin’ down on my shoulders or my girls on the first date. “Put your head on my shoulder” was sung by a man to a woman and NOT the other way around. Unless, of course, you’re suffering from some terrible trauma whereby you’ve lost the will to live and all you need is some love, kindness and support. Then, and only then, please consider my breasts/shoulders to be your personal pillows.
I also do not need to you to spoon me at night. I do not need you blowing your hot air directly at my eardrum (I would sleep in a wind tunnel if whistling put me to sleep). I do not need you drooling in my hair (I don’t like to wash it every day, you know!). Nor do I need your paws cupping my breasts while you smile yourself to sleep (I know that’s not the only place you can find a spot for your hands!). There are two sides to a bed for a reason. One for you and one for me. In fact, you should treat the invisible line down the middle of the bed as lava. Because baby, if you touch it and/or cross it, you’re out of the game.
I’ve tried to change. I’ve even gone through phases of an intense desire to be as close as is physically possible to a man without actually having sex with him. But dispite my best efforts to let a man spoon me to sleep, it ultimately results in forking anyway cause your sexy bits are just too close to my sexy bits.